Doubting Doubt

"By grace you have been saved, through faith..."

As a Christian in the 21st century, at times I doubt. But if we are saved through faith, does that mean that I'm in danger of losing my salvation when I doubt? I doubt it.

Faith can be whole and simple for the holy simpleton. At times I envy those whose belief in God comes as easy as their belief in gravity. But it's impossible for a thinking person in the 21st century to live without doubt. For me, God is self-evident, but with the weight of history and the pluralism of culture, self-evidence itself is up for debate. And so we doubt. What a person choses to do with those doubts is central to his or her faith. The fact that I continue to believe despite my doubts is itself faith. Faith and doubt, therefore, are intimately tied. I would go as far as saying that the person who doubts, and though doubting perseveres, has a more remarkable faith than the holy fool, who, like the Prodigal's elder brother, never thought differently.

Beyond belief in God or in Christian orthodoxy, I sometimes doubt my own capacity to believe. I wonder if I truly believe or if I'm just playing a part. I feel like an atheistic actor playing the role (sometimes poorly) of a Christian in the 21st century, who, when the curtain falls, will leave the theatre and go back the pub and wallow in his heroic nihilism. Another shade of doubt. To take a step back, however, this doubt is still grounded in a Christian view. Matt the "actor" feels sorry for Matt the "character" because he's only pretending to believe. He pities the man because, having been playing a part all along, his salvation will be in jeopardy. Thus, in worrying about the "characters" salvation, the "actor" has outed himself as a believer.

And my faith is restored.